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Ken

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[05 May 2008|03:59am]
Sometimes I like to pretend I'm whole again thanks to chemicals.

Thank you chemicals.

Chemicals, don't make me sick again
I'm always so dubious of your intent
Like I can't afford to replace what you've spent

Chemicals, don't flatten my mind
Chemicals, don't mess me up this time
Know you bait me way more than you should
And it's just like you to hurt me when I'm feeling good

Come on chemicals
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[02 Apr 2008|10:55pm]
The motor on my bike is shot.

The tail lights are out on my car.

I no longer have health insurance.

My HOA wants $1000 from me because they are over budget.

The job search is shit.

Disability is up in less than 2 months.

And all I have in my fridge is bud light.

Surly, this is proof that God is a sadist.
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[10 Aug 2007|02:12am]
[ mood | crushed ]

It occured to me today that I don't remember what it feels like for my hands to not be in pain. It's been well over a year now that my chronic hand/wrist/arm pain started and has yet to stop. It's only during moments like this where I am drunk enough to be numb that I can pretend to be whole again.

I have officially accepted that I am fucked in the ass. Hardcore. They didn't even use lube. Fuckers.

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speaking of dead 4 year old girls [10 Apr 2007|12:06am]
Yesterday I got my bike to over 100 on the bridge. Take that self-preservation. Jerk.
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[13 Nov 2006|03:39am]
http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2006/11/12/BAGV3MBNLM4.DTL&hw=880+accident&sn=001&sc=1000

Tonight I saw a dead 4 year old girl laying in the dirt between the highway and the off-ramp. It took 5 mins of searching by a group of bystanders for her after she was thrown from the minivan she was riding in. The mother lay in the road having been dragged out of the wreck alive, but not moving. The van lay on its side in the middle of the highway still containing the trapped father who could do nothing but weep for his daughter no one could find.

Later I was asked to help at the car that jumped the center divider into the lane I had been driving in. I held a stretcher which a girl who could not move her legs was put on to. A CHP officer then asked me to talk to the driver of the car for a few mins to help keep him conscious. Despite my best efforts, the only thing I could say was that everything is going to be alright.
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[29 Aug 2006|10:52pm]
I think I enjoy running in the dark by the water... for no other reason than it scares me.
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[16 May 2006|11:47pm]
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[04 Jan 2006|12:21am]
Tonight I determined that we only search for meaning and purpose in life after we can't find true long-term happiness. I haven't yet figured out if this is a good or bad thing.
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[21 Oct 2005|12:27am]
So my parents are going on a cruise in Mexico over Thanksgiving... does anyone want to adopt me?
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[18 Oct 2005|01:05am]
It’s been forever since I have bothered to write anything in here so I figured I would write another rambling which should probably be alcohol induced so I have an excuse when people get weirded out or offended.

Now that I’ve graduated, most of my time has gone into working. It’s like taking all the workaholic moments of school and condensing them into 5 day intervals. On the bright side, I have now been hired on full time and am actually earning real money for the first time in my life. Like previous influxes of money, I still don’t really know what to do with it though. Not to say I’m earning so much that I can’t figure out how to spend it all… it’s just… you know… I don’t really care about shit. The most personal satisfaction I get from my job is in the knowledge that they thought I was worth hiring right out of college at 22 which is a rather big achievement in the game industry. I know it was pure luck that I got the initial internship, but after 3 months they still thought I was worth keeping around… and not even in some sort of lowly slave monkey sorta way but as a full time developer. I think that’s pretty rad. It’s the embodiment of all those childhood dreams and all that jazz.

I’ve also had a few minor personal revelations, one of which is that I believe I have developed the ability of the last 4 years of my life to control whether I fall in love or not. On the surface, this seems like a good thing... a mechanism to prevent a number of unfortunate painful mishaps that come about in the interactions of bored college-aged folk looking for a good time. In this, it has worked rather well. Unfortunately, I have concluded that love was never intended to be a choice. If it is, it’s not really love at all any longer but rather duty that you try to convince yourself is pleasurable.

I also want everyone to know that everything that I have ever done for others has been, to some extend, for selfish self-serving reasons. I just wanted to put that out there in case there are those who still labor under the illusion that I am somehow a fundamentally good or caring person. I’m not. Not to say that I don’t genuinely care about people. In fact I do very much so. It’s just that I want to clarify there is always a “because…” or “but…” after the sentence “I care about you”. Why do I feel the need to stress this to others? The first reason is that being honest with others makes it easier to be honest with myself (not that I have ever had a problem with self-deprecation in the past). The second is that I believe that everyone is the same way though I have no preconceptions that I will somehow convince everyone that this is true. Thirdly, I want to go to sleep at night knowing the friends I do have, are friends knowing full well who and what I am.

And with that, I say g’night and farewell. Going to bed to get up for work still sucks. *grumble*
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[02 Jul 2005|01:41pm]


I miss santa cruz. Since being home I have only hung out with one friend and briefly talked to another in person. Granted I was in vegas all last week but it still feels like no one is really around much. I guess it's partly my jobs fault as well. I worked my first 12 hour workday to meet a deadline and it's only been two weeks. I guess this is what I was expecting. I just thought it wouldn't be as draining somehow.
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[27 May 2005|11:59pm]


I just realized... my housemates are kinda weird.
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The only thing better than love is throwing it away [14 Apr 2005|01:30am]
"Only those, whose lives are brief can imagine that love is eternal. You should embrace that remarkable illusion." --Lorien

"Love is the most subtle form of self-interest." --Holbrook Jackson

I've know love doesn't last forever for some time now but I don't think I really accepted it until today. How can it? Death is the great equalizer, even of relationships. But it's alright. I accepted it with a laugh. It is freeing to not be tied to an ideal of love that doesn't exist. I'm tired of seeking that which doesn't exist. I don't think enough people take advantage of and enjoy what they have in the present nearly enough because it doesn’t seem to somehow match some great expectations derived two idealistic stumbles over from perfection. It's easy to be afraid of settling. But who cares... It's never going to last.
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I'm hungry [11 Apr 2005|12:21am]
I think I need to do more drugs. Then I can stop and blame all my personal and psychological defects on them. The only thing worse than being a notch or two off from where I need to be in reality is knowing that there is only myself and my past to blame.

Besides, being a crack head at some point in your life makes for way more interesting stories.
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More rantings of an incomplete man [18 Mar 2005|12:59am]
My life is turning into one big proof by contradiction. I feel I must find contradictions in order to invalidate the assumed propositions hammered into my poor little brain growing up.

I still don’t know what the point of life is.

It seems a bit contrived that little inklings of happy feelings is all anyone strives for. It belittles the relentless complexity and beauty that is life. After all the delusions of grandeur set upon us while growing up, I for one am disappointed. I want my money back and an apology from the manager.
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Look at me, I'm writing in my journal. Validate me. [12 Mar 2005|12:25am]
I’m pretty sure school work has become my escapism from life. Some people do drugs, while others go sit in the woods and sing with an acoustic guitar… and do drugs. I just work. It’s a nice distraction. And unlike drugs, work can be used an excuse to get out of doing most anything. For example, getting my silly braces taken off, or not going out on a warm Friday night like this one. I want to go out but work is habit forming (so is bad sci-fi but that is a side issue). Side effects include feelings of apathy towards friends, undo commitment to assignments not worth doing, and some vague notion of a purpose in life.

At least school will be over soon and I can misdirect my life elsewhere in new and exciting ways.
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[24 Jan 2005|08:56pm]
"Oww, I have ass rug-burn!"
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xmas can go away [25 Dec 2004|12:01am]
HAPPY BIRTHDAY JOYCE

I did a search on google image search for "joyce birthday" and this was the first image to come up:


Have fun with Infected Mushroom tommorrow while I sit at my aunt's house with brains dripping out of my ears.
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Grr [22 Dec 2004|12:42am]
LISP, the new bane of my pathetic little existence.

(append '(foot) '(lisps arse))
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Another stupid entry [14 Nov 2004|04:58pm]
Today instead of going to bed, I picked up hitchhikers with surfboards at 5:30am and ended up watching the sun come up over the ocean. I have lived in Santa Cruz over 3 years but never stopped to appreciate that I live in one of the nicer places on the planet despite that there usually being nothing to do around here.

I need to get out more.
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